He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
