he told me I talked like a deaf person
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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