yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
