He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
