you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
