I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
