I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
