this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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