Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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