My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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