i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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