You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
