WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
