just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
