Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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