yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
