If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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