she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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