dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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