your parents love me but you hate me
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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