Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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