i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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