when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize