I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
