Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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