my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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