just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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