Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
