i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
