He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
