I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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