I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My vagina is officially offended.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
