dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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