I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
