Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
