I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
