apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
