Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
How's work?
Spinning.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
