mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
