So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
