420 ftw
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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