puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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