I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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