6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
