somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
