I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
