My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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