Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
