Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
