If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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