It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
