I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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