I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
