you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
