We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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