she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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