I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
