Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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