I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
