im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just forgot I was standing up.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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