whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
it was like having sex with a tree stump
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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