I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize