P.S. I can't hear my feet
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
