I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
