I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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