He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
