Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
