Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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