Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
