my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize