So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
