I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
