Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize